I Am SO Bored

I miss parties. I miss traveling. I miss cruises. I miss indoor dining, and it’s very upsetting to me that I cannot just sit down in an overpriced restaurant for food I am almost positive they microwave. I miss this because in order for me to enjoy a meal I have to be surrounded by loud rude strangers wearing the ugliest nordstrom rack outfits imaginable. I miss when everyone was a little less political online because these cogs in the machine didn’t have time to think about anything. Seriously, I wish they would shut up and stop asking questions. I miss concerts. I miss instagrammable moments. I miss adult day care. I miss sending my stupid children that I absolutely fucking despise to school while I stay at home drinking skinnygirl margarita and watching day time tv alone. And I miss having a glass of wine before I get into the car and pick them up from their afternoon extracurriculars. I miss grad parties and prom and failing finals. I miss it all. When I run into an old acquaintance I’ve spoken to twice in my lifetime and I can’t give them a big bear hug I want to tear my face off. Not having my manipulative coldhearted in-laws around for the holidays has been terrible for my mental health. I miss going into work with a cold and coughing on everyone, that was the best. I miss traveling. I miss strip clubs. I miss sitting on a stoop crying because my adderall comedown was making me feel severely ill. I miss showing up to an event 2 hours late and waking up disoriented and confused in an unrecognizable bedroom, not knowing exactly what happened to me. I miss rooftop parties with no railing, only an endless ledge — the kind that stretches into the void forever — that anyone, at any moment, could fall off of and die. It’s just not the same anymore. I miss sex. My love language is touch, specifically with strangers I meet in alleyways and parks after dark. I am so horny I could just about die. I’ve actually only ever done hand stuff but I miss sex and I’m so horny and you have to know this about me you have to know that I miss sex and I am horny. I miss shopping small and supporting local. I miss hating Amazon, something I can no longer do because I am currently being forced to rely on them for nearly all my purchases. This situation is a bit awkward because of some tweets I sent off about Jeff Bezos last year. I have since deleted these tweets. But I miss them. I miss university classes being in person. If I had known that I wouldn’t be bumping into the Guinness Book of World Record’s largest-crowd-of-annoying-ladder-climbing-cretins-packed-into-the-tightest-space I would have maybe stopped and said hello in the hallway. I miss overpriced smoothies. And pasta. And pizza. And chicken piccata. I don’t have any food in this house. I don’t know how to make anything myself! Have I mentioned I miss traveling? I miss clubbing. I miss putting jeans on. I miss going outside. I miss jumping the turnstile and waiting with all the crazies for the train and licking the poles in the subway. I miss leaving brunch with my girls and seeing a man shoot heroin through his jacket.

I am so bored oh my god I am so fucking bored I am so so so bored. I am, in fact, so bored, that I’m considering going to a riot later today. Not to get political, but I’m bored. I miss having fun, I miss congregating with strangers, and most of all I want to terrorize small business owners. I’ve never personally smashed in the windows of a nail salon for a political cause, but I’m sure I would have by this point if it wasn’t for these stay at home orders. I bet if I had committed acts of public violence in 2018 or 2019 I would be missing that hobby today. God. I’m so bored. I think I will now google how to make a molotov cocktail.